Kathy's axiom #1: There is simply not enough time to do everything.
This may not be true for everyone. I don't get that. I don't get how anyone would have time to read enough, sleep enough, exercise enough, get the bills paid and the checkbook balanced, earn a living, run a household, create and maintain a civilized environment, spend time with friends and loved ones, travel to places old and new, think new thoughts, watch great content, watch birds, play music, laugh with friends, explore the natural world, revel in creative expression, experience great art and music... I mean, I don't know how anyone has enough time to even LIST the things you could do in this lifetime, let alone do them.
I guess there are people who truly believe that there aren't enough interesting things to do in the world and whose whole goal is to try to kill time to avoid boredom. This train of thought is not for them.
I also think there are a gifted few who find that they do have time to do everything they want to do, and can do all of it with a sense of ease and grace. I want to know their secret.
Kathy's axiom #2: You have to do the very best you can with the time available.
This goes back to the "nutrient rich" concepts that I started exploring a few blogs ago. I maintain that the best way to be healthy and happy is to make sure that the body, mind, and soul are kept well nourished in equal balance. A life lived solely in the brain, is going to be starving on the soul level. Balance and harmony, and a rich mix of nourishment in all three areas... that's what I think we're going for. And in order to do this, we have to figure out how to best use the time we've got during our days and lives.
So, how to choose what to do? In my earlier blogs I classified things as feeding the body, mind, and soul, and also added two categories: Unavoidable Other tasks and Avoidable Other tasks.
Unavoidable Other tasks are things like, well, going to the DMV. Unless you are very different from most people, going to the DMV is not highly nutritious in terms of feeding body, mind, or soul. It is also sometimes, alas, unavoidable. Gotta be done.
Avoidable Other tasks are things like getting caught in situations and commitments that no longer feed your body, mind or spirit. Baggage activities or thoughts that should be offloaded. Mindlessly repetitive tasks. Habitual things that don't really maybe need to be done in quite the way you've always done them, but maybe can be done faster, or in a less complex manner, or maybe even not at all.
I am failing frequently while trying to get the mix right these days. My fuel tank is so low on reserves that I now watch every action and interaction scrupulously. I'm finding that it's more tiring to talk than to type (which is interesting, because it means my obviously outward social nature is actually less important to my well being than my quieter introverted side). I'm finding that I can cut down on small processes that add up into large wastes of time. I'm finding that taking care of the less easy needs early in the day (like exercising) gets those activities out of the way and I can treat myself at the end of the day with some easier soul-replenishing reading or viewing of good content.
Most important, I'm finding that being very clear about stating and maintaining boundaries is absolutely vital.
I have many pulls on my time these days. I am working from home, as able. That is a high priority activity, and is worthy for more than just my paycheck. It keeps my brain engaged. (And the most fun part is that I get to have high intensity arguments and discussions about things that are SO far from the other conversations I am having. These meetings are about process and concepts and have absolutely nothing to do with life expectancy or levels of pain. But people approach everything with such fervor and intensity! I love it!) I have an almost daily trip to the doctor or lab or clinic or procedure. I need to make sure I exercise and keep rested. My close family still needs my input and support and time. I am writing more. I am trying to keep my mother calm as she worries and frets about me. There's a lot going on. How do I budget my time? How much of my work time do I spend catching up on interoffice politics, and how much can I shut out to simply focus on the work at hand? Which is more important, truly? The personal or the productivity; they are both vital.
A far trickier question is how to deal with friends --- their messages and offers to help. I don't know the answer to this. I firmly believe that the connections we make with other people are one of the most important aspects to this time we spend on the planet. They give us hope and joy and meaning. In no way could I be as happy as I am in my life without my great good friends, both the ones I see daily and the ones less frequently.
Some days I don't have the energy to respond. Some emails have gotten lost in the shuffle for awhile. There are people who have given me wonderful notes or flowers or messages, that I have not properly thanked ( or at least it feels like I haven't). I feel terrible for not being an amazingly good friend back. Because I am so grateful. And because it is so overwhelming.
I've gotten very good at saying thank you very much. I've learned to not sign off with "let's get together soon" knowing that my resources for making good on a date are limited and will remain so for a good long while. For offers of help, I say that for now I'm good, but I really appreciate your offer. I think that's the best I can do right now. I hope very much that I'm not perceived as being rude by sometimes not answering calls or responding.
I worry about how to manage all this when I'm well again. How do I keep all my boundaries graciously and well maintained? I want my people. I want my activities. I want my life back. But it was too much. There wasn't enough non-doing time in the middle. I absolutely need to build that in. I worry that I won't know how to do this and will fall back into my over extended, feeding the world before I feed myself mode of being.
How to earn a living and stay true to responsibilities? How to keep the car maintained and the house intact and the taxes filed and the bills paid and the kids supported and the dog walked? How to maintain close and vital ties, while still having time to be silent and read? How to take care of the list while still having time to ruminate and move a little aimlessly through the world? How to take care of all the Unavoidable Other tasks while still putting mind, body, and soul as a high priority? How to pare down the Avoidable Other time in a way that makes sense?
For now, I am trying to get a grip on it all. I put myself on a stopwatch to track my time working. I am watching how much time I spend chasing technological rabbits down rabbit holes (i.e., getting my printer to work from my laptop; time spent yesterday: 45 minutes.). I am watching all this like an efficiency expert, trying to figure out how to get a rich healthy balanced life in the middle of a world in which there really is not time to do a fraction of all we'd like or need to get done.
I don't know how to square all this. I really don't. But here's what I've been playing with. I am now starting each day with a list that answers the following questions:
- What is mandatory to do today?
- What do I deeply WANT to do today? And what does that activity feed?
- What else do I need to do to fuel body, mind, and soul?
I am trying to be very honest about what I term "mandatory."
I am trying to listen hard to what my body, mind, soul is craving.
I am trying to cut myself some slack if the "non-mandatory tasks that feel almost mandatory but aren't really mandatory" don't get done.
So far... so good, I guess. I had a good Monday. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
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