The To-Don't List

I had a great day.  I got a ton of stuff done, stuff I'd been putting off for many months.  And I realize that not only A) did I get all of it done without a list, but B) if I'd had a list, I probably would not have gotten it done, and I would've stressed out about it all weekend.

Remember how I tricked myself into relaxing? Here's how I tricked myself into relaxing and being incredibly productive.

First, I have been paying attention to my own advice.  Despite many temptations to go out of town, or go an excursion to the beach, or make plans to do stuff, Roger and I really tried to keep the obligations down for the weekend.  We did  have a plan to go down to Orange County to see my mother today, but we did not commit to it fully until this morning, after we saw how I was feeling.  Even though it would have been good to see her, the fact that it wasn't engraved in stone kept us feeling relaxed about it until this morning, and -- lucky or not -- when I broached the subject, she said she didn't feel up to going out herself, much she'd like to see us.  By keeping it flexible until the last minute, all of us were able to make our decisions based on how we felt in real time, and no one felt compelled to go through with something that didn't feel right.

Let me digress here a moment.  The Abiline Paradox.  Anyone hear of it?  This concept comes from a video I saw as part of a work training many years ago.  It's worth a watch on You Tube.  Basically it dramatizes a situation in which a Texas family -- on a hot summer's night, with all the interpersonal dynamics that a family has -- ends up driving to Abilene, although no one (as it turns out) wanted to go at all.  They had been playing cards and the son-in-law was winning.  The father mentions something about Abilene.  The mother thinks he wants to go to Abilene and starts vigorously supporting the idea.  The daughter, wanting to keep peace in the family, goes along with it, even though she doesn't want to go.  The son-in-law, feeling guilty, says sure.  The dad thinks the mom wants to go, and they all go on to Abilene even though not one of them actually wanted to go in the first place

Plans are like that.  A plan gets made, for whatever reason.  Maybe it's a good plan.  Maybe it's a plan that you don't want to do but you think someone else wants to do, so you want to make them happy, and you go ahead with the plan.  Maybe it's a plan that everyone wanted to do at one point, but -- in the real moment -- no one wants to go forward.  Because of the politics of the situation, no one wants to undermine the plan itself, so everyone goes along with it, and usually has a terrible time in the process.

The Abilene Paradox happens a lot.  This morning, we avoided it by not make a plan way ahead of time and forcing ourselves to get into the emotional politics of backing out of going on a trip that was not going to be enjoyed by the person we were visiting.

This gave us the morning.  And, since we hadn't planned anything for after the trip to OC, it gave us the day.

We started off with a lovely lox and bagel by Peet's.  Brought the paper, had no time constraints.  We wandered up to Macys and ended up buying several much needed household goods.  Great!  One less thing to either put off (more) or squeeze into the evenings after a workday.

Came home.  Still didn't have anything planned, but knew I should continue chipping away at the taxes.  Yeah... but... I'm a creative procrastinator.  I realized that what I really actually felt like doing was getting rid of the pile of stuff that needed to be donated to Goodwill.  That is a job I've been putting off for probably over a year.  And finally, I had the precious combination of time, energy, and (most importantly) desire, to do it.  So I went into the garage and tackled the project (side note: I list everything we donate and use a cool online program called It's Deductible to calculate the value of the donation... it takes a hair more time but no auditor would ever quibble with a reasonable list and reasonable set of values... so it is well worth the few extra minutes it takes to log everything in).  In addition to getting the donations all logged, I also cleaned the garage, straightened out the bicycles, reorged some boxes... had a bite to eat... took the donations to Goodwill, and was done in less than two hours.  DONE.  After putting it off for probably close to a year.

Then I took a break.  Read a bit of the paper.  Went in and did some bookkeeping (yes, that was on my actual weekend's to-do list).  Got everything ship shape, and then had dinner with Roger out on our back patio.  Which was lovely and relaxed. And.... when I was done with dinner... I realized I still had some energy to put up some lights that I had found while cleaning the garage.  Cooool.  While eating I assessed the situation and came up with a plan, and within 40 minutes or so... we had new lighting to eat by.  Then ... when putting the ladder back, I found some other lights that I'd been meaning to put up for over a year and thought, what the fuck, I'll put those up too.  Took another 20 minutes.  Done and DONE.

So... I'm sorry this is boring.  And I'm embarrassed to tell you how much doing this stuff is fun and relaxing to me.  But it is.  The point I'm trying to make, though, is that if I had scoped all this out ahead of time... and written it all out on a legal pad (as is my habit)... it would not have gotten done.  Or, if it had, I wouldn't have had half as much fun doing it.  As it was, it was propelled by a real-time assessment of my energy levels, and creatively emerged from the day and how I felt like spending my time.  At no point did I think, god, I hate my life and would so much rather be sleeping or watching a movie.  I had given myself full permission to do anything I wanted, and I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing, when I wanted to be doing it.  I am now ending the day feeling incredibly satisfied and pleased with how the day went.  And, I would hope, I would feel the same way about the day if I had indeed spent it reading and sleeping and watching movies on TV.  The goal is to follow the whisperings that come from within, not follow the list whether it makes sense or not in real time.

Which brings me to the concept of the To-Don't List.

Obviously, I'm a big list person.  We all know that about me by now.  But sometimes, as I'm finding, the To-Do list becomes an oppressor in itself.  An Abilene Paradox that we fall into with our own psyches.  I write down a list because I think I'll feel happy when I'm done with it.  But, in real time, sometimes I don't want to do that list any more.  But I feel guilty and chastise myself for slacking off, whipping myself into an anxious morass, thinking if I don't get all this done today then I'll have to do it, and more, tomorrow, and maybe it will never get done and I'll lose my house and the love of my children.. it goes on and one.

There are certainly things that have to be done.  But getting stuff done is not, for me, the problem.  My problem is heaping way too many things onto myself and trying to get all  of it done, even the nice-to-haves, all at once, with the goal of getting everything accomplished some day.  And on that happy day, I get to take a breather.  Because the To Do list is done, finito, complete.  And I can then breathe.

So I'm working on the opposite.  Things not to do.  Like scheduling too many things in.  Like doing things I don't have to do and don't want to do, but am doing anyway because I said I would.

So here's a shot at a workable To-Don't list, based on my day today.

1. Schedule the day so that there are no time margins.
2. Keep social engagements even when I can't or don't want to do them. People will live if I can't make it to something; maybe they secretly don't want to do it either.  Clear boundaries makes everyone happier.
3. Work until I am feeling very fatigued.
4. Schedule my travel time to the minute.
5. Eat very quickly.
6. Make sure to take care of everyone else's needs before my own.

What I learned today was that, without the list, I got more done.  I was more relaxed, and I thoroughly enjoyed each project as it presented itself.  Now, of course, I can't trick yourself into not having a list but secretly wanting to get a lot of productive stuff done.  You actually have to give yourself permission to do anything.  And then see what you feel like doing.

The key thing here is actually having clear uncluttered un-accounted-for time in your day.  It's like extra money.  You've paid your bills and done what you have to do.  But this is free time, dispensible time.  You have to give yourself permission, first, to have it.

Maybe today was going to be a day where I slept and read all day (that was more like my yesterday looked like.)  That is OK!  I was honestly OK with relaxing today.  It's all about whatever comes up out of the subterrenean depths of my motivation.  The point is to make the motivation lead the activity, whatever it is, and not the list.

I guess the ultimate To-Don't list item is "Make a To-Do List."  I doubt I'll ever get completely away from that.  But I think there may be an art on what goes on a To Do list, or at least how one goes about planning on accomplishing it.  For now, I am going to keep an eye on how much I can change the ratio of time and expectations, and see if I can learn to listen to what I want to do more in real time, and try to edge away from the tyranny of the list.


The to-do list can obfuscate my inner voice, and sometimes really prevents me from knowing exactly where I'm at and what I actually want to be doing.  Not paying attention is a big one for the To-Don't list.  I need to know what I actually want, and to do that I have to be able to hear my inner voice.  When a chaos of Abilene Paradoxes are cluttering my brain waves, it gets very hard to know what I want to do, for myself, for real.  My goal is to figure that out and try to act more in accordance with that inner voiice.