It's Not an Either/Or

I've realized that I deeply believe in certain fundamental equations. And that I really need to look at these as I prepare to leave the houses of the healing and move forward with the process of revisioning my life.

These are the equations:

I can be happy in my soul. Or I can be materially comfortable.

I can be creatively fulfilled. Or I can provide for my family.

I can follow my heart now.  Or I can put it off until later, when everyone else's needs have been fulfilled.

I can have fun and flow during my day. Or I can exchange my time for money and have fun and flow afterwards, if I have time and energy.

Who I am and how I spend my time can never be the same.

Congruity is for other people, not me.

Being driven by creativity and passion is for other people, not me.

Being responsible and being creative are antithetical.

Having a corporate job and being creatively fulfilled are antithetical.

This last one is especially insidious, because the easy way to look at this is to see it as a contest between running away to join the circus (or in my case, an opera company) vs staying in my technology job, which is actually a somewhat creative job (when I can bushwhack through the office politics enough to do it.)

My impulse these days, as I'm sure readers of this blog have noticed, is to cut loose from the tethers of corporate America and throw myself fully into a wide variety of creative and entrepreneurial pursuits.  That sounds so fucking fun!  But it also sounds so fucking stupid!  It sounds fun and stupid!

It presupposes a lot of things, such as the ability to be insured while still being able to pay the mortgage.  It presupposes a life of such health and vitality that I'll be able to write books and run companies and do productions in such sufficient amounts that all the money will come together to keep us comfortable. It presupposes that the joy I'll feel at living a congruent life will override the stress I may feel at being a whole lot less solvent.

More equations:

Happy equals not being in a job.

Happy equals being creative.

Ergo, not being in a job equals being creative.

Is this true? Is it really engraved in stone that I have two, and only two, choices:  happy and creatively entrepreneurial, or unhappy and in a job?

I've been binge watching certain shows (The Newsroom, and Halt and Catch Fire and Sherlock, specifically) and realize that there are themes that really rivet my attention.  All of these people are fucking passionate about their jobs.  These people do not wake up and slog into the office, check their emails, and try to see if they can live with that morning's headache until lunch.  These people live and breathe what they do all day, and the paycheck they receive is a total footnote, a thing that shows up on its own as a little extra bonus.  They don't work... they live.  And they get paid (comfortably) to live their passions.  It doesn't really matter that it's in the context of an office or on their own... it's just what they do.  It's who they are.

And yes, these are fictional characters.  I get that.  But is it too much to ask that... in any form, in any configuration... that I get to live my passions and be comfortable?  That I can be materially successful and who I am, all at the same time?

That's the question I'm challenging the universe with these days.  I don't care how it works out.  But I want to remove the way the equation works, the one that says passion equals poverty, and drudgery equals wealth.

It does not have to be a choice between material comfort and creative happiness.

It does not have to be a choice between freedom and responsibility.

It does not have to be a choice between now and later.

It's not an either/or.

I will write this on my walls.  I will write this in the sky.  I will write this until I fully and completely understand it in my bone marrow.  I want to break down these constructs and build up some brand new ones.  Ones that uphold the notion of congruency and integration. Ones that allow me to be successful and passionate.  Ones that foster health in body, mind, and spirit.  Ones that open up these deeply seated gates and let the possibilities flood in.