So what

I've been thinking over that last post, and just keep coming back to this feeling of... well.. so what?  OK, so I can no longer be in denial, and it sucks.  Got it.  But... so what?

We live.  We die.  What do you do with something like that?

This is, of course, not new information. But sometimes it slaps you in the face a little bit.  Makes itself known in a way that is just too difficult to ignore.

There are all these things that simply cannot happen in our lives, given the nature of our time-bound existence.  There will never be enough time laying on the beach or sailing on the water or hiking on Mount Tam.  There will never be enough popcorn and movies. Or enough time with friends, or enough time alone. Not even remotely will there ever be enough time.  I can do some of the things I want to do, if I try, but I can't do even a fraction of it all.

The big question is how do I deal with that information?  Do I work harder, or less hard?  Do I tune in, turn on, and drop out?  Or do I dig in, drive on, and delve deep?  Is it about creating a future for my children, or maximizing the present for us now?  Is it about packing more into every day to try to get as much done as possible or is it about scaling way back, so that simplicity and silence rule, and the precious moments can be savored no matter what is going on?
On a very practical level, what changes after all of this?  How does this inform my life as I move forward... next year, next month, today, this morning?

I think, for me, it just forces a rethink of all my fundamental assumptions.  Or, maybe, it just revalidates things I've always known but tend to want to forget. 

Such as...

Health comes first.  My body needs to stay happy and healthy and intact for any of this to work.  And health is not just about not feeling like shit.  Health is about feeling good.  So all those things that make my body, mind, and spirit feel good ... those are first priority.  Food, exercise, sleep.  Those things that just are so fundamental and so easily dismissed.  They have to move up to the front of the line.  Doctor's orders.  Gotta do this part right.

I also need to take it easier on myself mentally.  Lighten up the to-do list, limit the time travel.  My brain loves to live in the future.  At its worst, this manifests as anxiety and worry... at its most benign it manifests as a constant tally of things that need to get done, resulting in feeling pretty crushed with responsibility much of the time.  To do lists are great.  I live by them.  But they often veer away from being useful checklists and become more of an indicator of how I will never be able to breathe and relax until I get things done first.  I've gotta work on that.  I'll put that on the list and get right on it.

I think it all boils down to the need to be conscious.  Like, right now.  Since the ability to do everything is impossible, the things I can do need to be appreciated to their fullest.  Sensory awareness, living in the moment, taking a nano second to breathe in the air, feel the breeze on the skin, taste the food, enjoy the hug.  Even if it's something that is just done as a means to an end... I can mean it.  I can work wholeheartedly at whatever task, rather than kill the time waiting until something becomes interesting enough to be worthy of my attention.  Stop the multi tasking.  Stop being arrogant and picky about what to care about. 

Time is my currency.  What I spend it on should have some value, right?  It's infinitely more valuable than money because when it's out...it's OUT.  So I need to pay attention.

Finally... there's the aspect of overburdening myself with all these shoulds and ought tos.  Basically, I think it's just about finding a way to flow with this river of time, in real time.  Not being a slave to an overplanned calendar.  Not being dominated by a to do list of my own making.  Just... being.  Taking care of this life. Soaking it all in like every moment is like visiting a new country, or getting a perfect massage.  Pulling it in and savoring it, whether it's a fabulous meal or a Big Mac. Just... tasting it.  Tasting the flavor of my life and appreciating each fleeting moment for what it has to offer.