Who's to blame?

It struck me after writing the last blog, that I am looking hard for all the ways I can possibly change my life, which assigns blame to me and the way I have previously lived my life.  And of course, a common answer is that no one is to blame... that this is just a bad luck of the draw.

Which is worse, though?  I would far rather take responsibility, improve every little last bit of my life that I can, with an eye to improving my odds... than to accept that it's a bad luck of the draw.

A bad luck of the draw today, means that I can have a bad luck of the draw tomorrow. 

If, however, it's something I've been doing, or thinking, or eating, or not eating... then I can stop doing it, stop thinking it, stop eating it, or start eating it... and I will have effectively stacked the deck in my favor, and the game tomorrow will go my way.

I like taking responsibility.

I like digging deep and thinking about the ways I can improve the odds.

I am willing to eat a pound of broccoli sprouts daily to reduce the risk of having this happen again.  I've happily forsworn dairy and sweets since my diagnosis and don't feel the slightest bit deprived.  I'll drink wheatgrass and make space for exercise, and I'll even try to limit my commitments:  anything to buy myself more time on this precious, frustrating, beautiful and endlessly complex planet.

I am willing to confront my most ingrained habits, my core approaches to life, my most deeply held belief systems... and change whatever needs to be changed, if something in there is keeping me from being as physically and emotionally healthy as possible.

I am far more willing to do this kind of work than I am to accept that the carcinogens are so omnipresent that we don't have a chance to combat them, or that the risk factors are so numerous that we can't do anything to duck the bullets constantly heading our way, from so many directions.

Of course it comes down to the serenity prayer (as so many things do).  There are things I can't change.  And there are things I can.  I don't have to feel cursed or bad because there are things that I can do to improve my lifestyle and skew the deck in my favor.  I just need to do them. 

All I can do going forward is to understand that this is happening because of causes and conditions both in and out of my control.  Once I accept that, I simply need to keep moving forward with wisdom, courage, and a whole lot of self-compassion.